I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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