I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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