ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
