Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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