i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
