I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
