thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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