Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
