I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
