If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
