so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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