In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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