so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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