and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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