So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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