so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
