Define "chronic" masturbator.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize