The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
