So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Randomize
