I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
