Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
she woke up with a sticky ear
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Randomize
