and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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