my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
