respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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