When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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