i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
