So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
