my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
