what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
