The maid of honor just puked.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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