It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
