but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
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