Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
