his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
