JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
