somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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