just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
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i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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