I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
