Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
