this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Will exercising make me less horny?
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