I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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