just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
