I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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