i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
