So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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