a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
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