does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
