hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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