Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
We need a shit load of segways right now
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
