I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Semen is not good for contacts.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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