omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
