i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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