hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
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I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
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I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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