I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
