So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
