yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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