The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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