He disabled his match.com account in front of me
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
