Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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