nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
