The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
