get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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