when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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