You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
